If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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