omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
