8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
