Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
