I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
