He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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