If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
