I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
