maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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