sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
