got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
