my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
