I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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