so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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