so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
