btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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