Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
