Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
