Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize