My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You've changed since you got that strap on
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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