After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
