I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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