I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
