tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
