I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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