Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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