having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
