I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
