When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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