Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
