Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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