they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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