I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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