Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
