dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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