She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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