EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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