Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
