Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i think my cat just said my name.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
