Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
