I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
