If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize