Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
