my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
