By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
