I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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