dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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