he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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