I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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