Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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