I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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