so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
