wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
