you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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