my phone needs a breathalizer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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