sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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