Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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