I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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