Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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