What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
